October is Domestic Violence (DV) Awareness Month and today I am taking a BIG bold step and sharing my personal account with domestic violence. 

I would love your support this month as I break the silence and stigma and share my own story. However, if you are triggered with DV stories please don’t feel you need to read any further.

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is beaten.
• 38.6% of female victims most commonly first experience domestic violence between the ages of 18-24.
• Violence against women occurs predominantly behind closed doors at home with most cases having never been reported to police.

I struggle with being vulnerable. I am good at keeping my most tender moments and feelings inside. Yet today I felt compelled to share my story about being a domestic violence survivor. Maybe it will help you or someone you love. 

Have you ever looked through your rearview mirror, took a deep breath, and knew you made it out okay? I haven’t always had this feeling. Years ago I felt sheer terror from what I saw in my rearview mirror. 

Today, as I drove through this mountain, alone, I sat in the quietness of the truck and was overcome with memories. Looking at  Mt. Timpanogos, I felt a healing taking place: I am doing just fine. I am an overcomer. I am worthy. I am loved. I am enough. 

My teenage years’ memories flooded my brain: Going to a high school that I never felt I belonged. Dating boys who were no good for me but I longed to feel loved. Teen years are always rough. But add in the family trauma of a mother with mental health issues, and it’s mind-blowing to me that I made it out. My mom looked for attention in ways that emotionally harmed her own kids. Remembering this, especially now as a mother, I cannot believe what she put us through… I’ll share those stories another day. These are a few of the stories that I need to get out now.

 

The first one

Just after graduating high school I was told that my father wasn’t actually my biological father. For 18 years I lived in a family that was keeping a BIG secret. It ripped me apart and threw me in a tailspin. I didn’t feel I belonged – my family really wasn’t my family. I felt betrayed and unloved, completely lost. Crushed. Alone. 

When my mother found out that I knew, she verbally attacked me. I felt disregarded and unworthy. Yet I so desperately wanted to belong: belong to someone, a family. I sought love wherever I could find it, and of course, that’s how I got into unhealthy relationships. 

Within a year, I found myself in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I was in such a bad place, I just wanted love and belonging, so I accepted being mistreated and abused. He took every opportunity to send me further into a hole. He assaulted me often, while blaming it on me (gaslighting). I could never do anything right. And I stayed because I felt like I didn’t deserve any better. 

I remember one time: him grabbing me by the throat and slamming me against the wall. My feet were off the ground as he choked me. Then he dropped me onto the ground and grabbed a full glass bottle of tea which he hurled at me as hard as he could. Thankfully, I had quick reflexes and was able to block my face. The glass bottle ended up striking my elbow, which was protecting my face. Luckily, I was able to get out of his house and run into the dark woods and lay in the brush -watching as he drove up and down the road searching for me. I stayed there hours until I was certain that he had passed out. I crept back in his house to get my car keys and left. That night I escaped and ended our relationship. 

But it didn’t end there. 

We worked at the same place and I couldn’t get away from him. He stalked me for months: following me around at work and on lunch breaks, even following me after work, showing up at my house. He would hide out and wait for me outside of stores. He would confront me and tell me exactly what I was doing and who I was with. Making sure I was aware that I couldn’t get away from him. I was living in constant fear. 

I had started taking local night classes at the nearby college. He followed me there and I would race to get parked and get into the college where other people would be around. One time I parked and wasn’t fast enough. As I was running towards the building, he caught me, ripped my bag out of my hands, and began dragging me towards his car. I struggled and fought, but couldn’t escape him. I got so very lucky- I didn’t see my guardian angel, but I heard her voice screaming at him to leave me alone and to get away from me. I have no idea who she was but she saved me from another brutal beating. 

Another day on my lunch break I had to go pay a bill. I remember seeing him following me in my rearview mirror. Sheer terror crept over my body as I ran into the building, and realized the line was too long to wait. I ran out to my car just as he was pulling up. I locked my car doors as he ran towards my car. I was terrified and knew I had to get out of there (I didn’t own a cell phone). I began to drive away as he screamed at me, slamming his fists on my driver’s side window, jogging next to my car. Then he jumped onto my car. But I didn’t stop. I kept driving through the parking lot because I knew if I stopped something bad would happen to me. Eventually, he jumped off, giving me a chance to get away. 

He made my early adult life hell.

I developed unhealthy coping skills. I stayed busy. All. The. Time. I enrolled full-time in college, worked full-time, plus took on other part-time jobs. Anything I could do to keep myself busy from morning until late night. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I didn’t want to have free time because my mind would wander. I just wanted to finish college and feel loved. By someone.

I realized that for every hurtful and traumatic instance in my life I could feel sorry for myself or choose to learn something from it. While in the thick of it, it was tough to find any positives. However, I learned to give it time, reflect, and be patient with myself. As months progressed and I began to heal, I knew I never wanted to feel that physical pain and terror again. That was not love. I am proud of my young self for having the courage to leave and to be brave enough to eventually speak up to a boss who had him transferred to another facility.  

 

Betrayal

 

On my 21st birthday, I met another guy at a rodeo. We dated for years, lived together and he promised me the moon. My young näive self believed him. I was head over heels. And though he never physically harmed me, he cheated on me countless times, destroying me emotionally. It began within just a few days of dating him (insert facepalm here). I was at his house, he told me he was going out for a bit (I was staying back to study for a test) and that he would be back soon. He didn’t return. Again my näive self believed he may have been in a car accident. Around 6 am I called his mother because I was so concerned. Within minutes he was back. His mom knew exactly where he was and called him to return from another young woman’s house since he left me waiting for him at his house. 

 

I remember after years of dating him I came home a day early from a weekend trip and found another woman’s car in our driveway, her clothes in our bedroom and his truck was gone. I was heartbroken. Shattered and betrayed. I felt lost. Again. My identity at that time revolved around him and our relationship. I was in such a low place. I blamed myself. I felt I wanted to die. Driving along the interstate I had a moment where I knew I could easily end my pain by slamming my car into the cement overpass and ending my life.

 

I didn’t, thankfully!

I left him. 

Because I deserve better.

I am worth more.

My life matters. 

 

Repercussions

 

I was proud that I left. I chose to live. Even though he tried to ‘fix’ things, I didn’t trust him. I would rather be single. 

I moved all of my belongings into an old co-worker’s house. He was married with a few young children that I used to babysit. He and his wife were so kind and gracious when they heard I was looking for a place to move out. They quickly emptied a bedroom so I could move in my things and I was so thankful for them. 

But very shortly the husband came up behind me and grabbed my butt suggestively. I was so mad at myself because I remembered that this was the man who used to tell me as a teenager that I should become a stripper. Being näive made me think the best of people, and I let myself down by trusting him, even after the comments from years ago. I moved out the next day. Humiliated. I didn’t tell his wife what happened. I blamed myself, though I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to vomit every time I thought of the situation.

Again I learned. I learned that I had surrounded myself with the wrong people. My reaction was to swear off men and relationships. I needed to heal. To figure out who I was and go after what I really wanted in life.

I continued working full time and completed my bachelor’s degree in 3 years. During this time I also worked with children in foster care, teens in drug rehab, and with domestic violence victims. It helped me begin to heal by helping others and being surrounded by caring professional individuals.  Through my life circumstances, I coped by becoming a workaholic. It is what I created for myself in the years of chaos. If I’m busy I don’t have time to feel, right? If I am sitting still I feel lazy. I know that many times I tied my own value into doing things to please others- which included volunteering for everything under the sun. 

Healing

After living on my own for a few years, allowing myself to begin to heal again, and working through setting expectations and boundaries. I got the courage to go after my dream job – becoming a police officer. I’d wanted to be a police officer since I was a very young girl. I worked hard to achieve it. I found an agency where I belonged and made true friendships with some of the best men and women that I have ever met. I grew so much (well not in height), and found my voice and passion.  

I have a heart for working with abused and neglected children and domestic violence victims. I can relate and so I was able to connect with people and let them know that they weren’t alone. 

After a couple of years of being at the police department, I met my husband Josh. After all the crap I had been through, I made a list of non-negotiables in a significant other. I also decided I would not wait for a man to buy a house. I would do it alone and live alone forever if Mr. Right didn’t make his appearance. And that is where I met him! He was the home inspector that I hired after making an offer on a home.  

Josh is brilliant, hard-working, caring, tender, loving, and romantic. I feel blessed to have found him and can move through life with someone who I trust completely. 

But of course, my trials wouldn’t end there.  

My father passed away, and during this incredibly difficult time, I had a family member who spoke hate and filth about me. She tried (and sadly still does) to destroy me and my credibility. But she didn’t realize all I had learned, overcame, and how she would never get the best of me. 

I learned to surround myself with those who truly care. Those who show up for me. Those who respect me. I have lived with enough trauma and have learned so much that I no longer allow anyone to treat me unkind. That is not love. That is not a friend. That is not a sister. I don’t have time for others’ lack of healing, lack of empathy, or excuses when it comes to the way they treat others. I have set some healthy boundaries for who I allow into my life and the kind of behavior I will respond to. 

I choose to separate myself from negativity and drama. It IS okay to walk away! Eliminating someone from your life merely means you have outgrown them and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I have outgrown a lot of people. Which is such a blessing. If I hadn’t, I would still be living in misery and terror – or possibly dead. 

Those that treat you like crap don’t deserve your time. They don’t deserve your energy. Even if they are family. Do not feel guilty. You don’t have to allow it. You are not a doormat.  

Outgrowing others means you are healing, rising, learning, and becoming stronger. You are worthy. You have purpose. Once you eliminate the negativity, you have room for those who are positive, encouraging, loving, and authentic. Those who truly care and love you will respect you. Those are the people who fill my life now. They know me, know my heart, and know that I am fierce and will stand up and back anyone I love and respect. I have such amazing people surrounding me because I have opened up space for the right people. 

I am forever grateful for all that I learned through my trauma. It has made me resilient, strong, and grateful for my existence.  

So as I looked through my rearview mirror today on my way back home, looking at that majestic mountain, I saw strength and resilience. Strength of a woman who overcame so much and the resilience she had to keep fighting for what she wanted. 

Though I have experienced and learned a lot over the years, my story isn’t over. 

I am always growing. Healing. Always working on keeping healthy clear boundaries.

Striving to be a better person,

Wife,

Mom,

Friend,

Leader.

Attracting positive, influential people into my life. Setting new goals and taking daily steps to reach them. 

In need of support?

If you are in the midst of chaos or trauma please know that you too can have happiness. Many times the choices we are making to become happy are painful at first. It does get easier over time, but in the thick of it, it sure doesn’t feel as if it will. 

Hang in there and soon you’ll look through the rearview mirror with a new story and reflection of your own strength. So much love to all of you!

If you or someone you love needs assistance or guidance with domestic violence please call the domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233.